all i need is God.

right now, nothing but God.

enough said.

undo me Lord.

undo what i've become.

bring me to the place of forgiveness and grace.

turn me around and pick me up.

Only You can help.

somehow Lord, salvage this rship.

Amen.

revealed.

finally. revealed. it was security.

at least now i rest easy.

its time to let go in quietness.

cos that's the way she started with.

if only the night pass by a second,

i wouldn't cry. i wouldn't shed a tear.

cos is time to let go.

finally. i felt a relieved of my thoughts.

thinking too much not anymore.

its time to let go in quietness.

cos that's the way i want to end with.

you gave up when i didn't.

i gave up only when you did it long ago.

the hand of love in God comforts.

his peace goes beyond understanding.

trusting in him, everlasting God.

cried. sowed. when will i reap?

countless days

my dunno how many days without D.

yep. i finally wrote her a letter.

and i'll be just as silent as her.

well. let's see how it goes.

since that's the way she wants it.

back from kota

my 4th day without D. i think is more than 4 days though. well its long enough not to matter how many days alr. back from kota and i asked D whether we could have dinner today. well, expected a negative reply.. probably not her intention. yea.. keeping this negative and control freak out of our way.

how i got out of emotions is to treat her as a good friend alr. and tell myself that i'm inferior to her now. until the day she accepts me willingly and without holding back again. isn't it contradicting in some ways? i guess not, is just dealing with the way i feel for her now which i'm not suppose to be feeling right now.

just remembered the agreement that probably suits the way it is now. is that I'll help D whenever she needs help and help her to my very best even if we are not together till the day i breathe my last full stop.

3

my 3rd day without D. really want it to be the way it used to be, just a little of my egoism. anyway i saw this full length rainbow today. when the time i woke up, when the room is facing the full view of the sky. it was timely. it was my almost my final time to see it. it came. God, thanks. it proves that you are still faithful somehow. i have that assurance, the same assurance u gave noah. i know i'll keep asking you for D to come back. but it takes God's timing, whether its long or short. i know it will come. like the rainbow.

the answer came in 7 colors and timely. at a place where i desperately need something for comfort.

somehow i'm coming to a point to compromise my egoism for someone i love. soon. real soon. i'll hit the point.

day 2 in Kota

my 2nd day without D. now i have just escaped to Kota Kinabalu but i still missed D very much somehow. and wondering whether i should msg her. but on 2nd thoughts, i think i wanna do it the Jesus' way. Talk to the Father first. which is why i'm here now. i think i haven't really enjoy myself here yet cos of my disturbing sore throat and runny nose. im thinking about tmr alr. how to survive thru snorkeling coughing thru out.

anyway im really trying to let go of the control freak thing. i don't wish to lose such a rship over my character which makes one's rship not lasting. i hope by the end of the trip, i get an answer from God. not from her.

anyway this would be what i will say to her.

Hey.. the problem now is what do you want? u make me take a step forward and backward.. and make me hope and despair at the same time. at this rate, God is stopping me from going berserk emotionally. and seriously i hope this blog helps me "vomit" all the emotions that's in me and pretend that you're reading it. the sight of seeing you with another guy really toughens me up. and i'll come to a point, yes! i believe in you D, and another voice comes - you sure? what if there's a third party? and i didn't accept that and say no it can't be, D is a loyal girl, how can it be? and you know what's the best answer now, live by faith and not by sight - D, i believe in you and i trust God that our rship have not ended just yet.. it will make us stronger.. with much more love and accountability and trust. even if you reject me after this, God has a greater plan than all of these that i have said.

Psalms 91 - i'll dwell on this psalm and soon a song of worship come forth in remembrance of our love rship that God allowed.

1st encounter

I saw D at PS today. that feeling came again. the feeling that i'm hating the most now. it was the same feeling i had the other time in church. is God testing me? right after talking about it with (name undisclosed).. i am right now asking how to overcome ! how to let go ! i feel so stuck ! why let me see ??? i didn't ask for it God ! what's the root of it all ?? i'm not broken enough ?? thank God tmr i'm flying off to Kota.. if not i wonder how i'm gonna survive the next few days.. oh God, pls speak to me in these few days.. i need something from u.. i need comfort from you.. i need peace from you.. i need to let loose from emotions.. brainwashed me pls !

grrrrr....... PEACE I NEED SOME. at least to put me to sleep. God LOVES Me! Everlasting God.